Letter to cube squatters....

I've gotten fed up with people sitting in my cube when I'm not there. It's not even my cube, but I feel a certain affinity for it considering I nurture it with good chi everytime I'm in it. In response to the recent influx of cube squaters in my area, I've begun to do the only civilized thing I can. I've created hand written notes - on my finest stationary of course - which I leave as a treat for the person who is squatting in the cube. I use my best calligraphy because I want the recipient to feel 'extra special'. Here's what it says:

Hello there and welcome!

Thank you for sitting at my desk while I'm not here. I encourage you to make yourself comfortable and stay for as long as you'd like. I won't be in until at least tomorrow morning. While you are here, I ask that you at least consider the following requests:

1. Don't eat anything while seated, standing, hovering or passing by this cube. There are mice in this building, and I do not wish to be one of the stops along the city's underground sewer/mice railroad. If you haven't heard, due to budget cuts, the maid service has been discontinued for this portion of the building.

2. Don't leave your food wrappers on, in or near this cube. There's a garbage can immediately to your right, and the hole is at least 12 inches in diameter. All things being equal, you could fit your head in that garbage can. Go ahead, give it a try.

3. Don't drink anything while seated, standing, hovering or passing by this cube. Unless you're doubling up your talents and offering an open bar with a variety of mixed drinks for the fine folks within this cube-dom, there's not a need in the world for you to be consuming anything liquid while seated in the cube. See that sparkling new keyboard right in front of you? It's brand new because I found some kind of caked-on, whiteish crud on the letters D-I-C-K.

4. Don't move or change any of the settings on the chair. I've spent hours finding what fits well with my ass. You've got a great ass. Hell, i'm sure you could pull off a flashdance routine that would put Jennifer Beals to shame; complete with cut-off sweatshirt and leg warmers. But, since we're working on #3 above, I don't think you'll need to be moving the chair around to get better coverage of the water down spout immediately above your head.

5. Don't touch the keyboard. Very simply put, you don't know where my fingers have been.

6. Don't use the phone. You don't know where my mouth has been.

7. See that fantastically apropos pad of paper to the right of the phone? The one that anyone would undoubtedly call chic because of its exquisitely drawn picture and stunning wit splayed out across the top (as opposed to the tried and true basic of a post-it note). Don't tear a piece, a portion, or even the corner off a single sheet of that paper. It's cute and its cute price tag was inflated because I bought it at the boutique down the street from the office building. Since you work for the same company I do, you know what our 'compensation structure' looks like...need I say more? It's paper, but it's my paper. Bottom line, don't touch it.

Thanks again for stopping by. Oh...wait... see the filing cabinet to your left? Open the top drawer. There are a ton of little acohol swab packets that I've left for you. Wipe off every thing you've touched. It's me....not you.

Come again~