The other day I went to purchase some birthday gifts for Big R. Specifically, I wanted to get him some tools. I didn't know what kind of tools to get so I went to the local hardware store, stood in the power tool area and said really loud and to no one in particular, "I need a big tool." Three manly men lumbered their way over to where I stood. I use the term lumbered because these three men had a combined age of 225 years and walked as if they were hung like elephants. It was like watching a gaggle of sloths with hard ons.

Anyway, I selected Nick because he had enormous thumbs. It was like he had off'd someone in his prior career as a hit man, taken the dead guy's middle fingers and replaced his thumbs with their fingers. Whoever the victim was had enormous, can-palm-a-basketball hands. I was fascinated and very quickly the tools became my secondary objective. I moved right into needing to see him use his enormous thumbs.

I spent an hour and a half with Nick's thumbs. I was like a moth to a flame - disoriented and attracted. He used them to point out sale items, the location of pipe in relation to Dremels, and even managed to carry my tool. I have earned the right to be protective of Big R's tools.